i sometimes forget that birthdays are a big deal and the number 21 is a milestone. and that people celebrate them. i had a friend’s 21st celeb yesterday, the day before my own 21st and tmr another friend celebrates her 21st as well.
birthdays aren’t usually a big deal to me – i normally would have my partner spend the day with me and probably dinner with the family and thats that. but today, 21 years in existence, none of that happened. i hadn’t felt special in the longest while – and i thought perhaps today maybe i would feel special but honestly i had never felt more alone. i don’t blame any body, people sometimes have to do what they have to do.
i spent my birthday alone, having macs as the only meal for the day before going to starbucks to sip on hot chocolate and i’m back home.
it is the loneliest birthday i’ve had indeed.
however i long for you so much.
i may be the sort who finds it difficult to discard old things, but i guess there’s good reason for it. for precisely this kind of moments – where the only things i have left to relive those days are dusty smses and even dustier emails – the times when they didnt just say ‘ok’ but were more than 5 words long. and they do accompany me when the phone is silent or when nobody is listening to a damn thing im trying to convey.
i have to suck it up and accept this as an ancient memory past its prime, no longer capable of reproducing itself – only because i have decided to stop believing.
it’s like a relic. beautiful in all its antiquated glory, but irrelevant and dead to time’s infinite flow.
i wonder if it can all come back again.
there are some things in life i dont wish to be routine. and some things have gone and i probably won’t see it again. im talking about romance.
guess it exists only in the initial stages of a relationship.
romance is for kids. either that or i have stopped believing in it.
i think it’s the latter.
i’ve come to conclude that hate brings nothing but unsettling thoughts and conspiracies. i, like many others, have enough hate in me to sometimes want to hurt.
but i am learning to unlearn the very act of hating and all the vices that come with it, as much as i can.
i have been reading on the Prophet (pbuh) and his stories and characteristics. it is amazing how the Prophet’s kindness and grace can instantly make you fall in love with his character. I am by no means a pious person, and i’ve had my fair share of sin, but as long as we keep our hearts and minds open, we give ourselves the option to choose what is right.
i must have revisited this topic on emotion for at least a hundred times especially during what i call my Dark Ages (that time, i was depressed to an extent.)
many a time i’ve come to conclude that emotion always gets in the way of almost everything. and damn it, but sometimes i hate being a girl. i dont want to be chasin’ dreams because love keeps me chasin’ them. i wanna chase them because i have to, i want this to be a linear progression. love is not reliable, and i am soft-hearted that way.
it pisses me off so bad. i look at many a successful person and (usually its a male. an alpha male) he seems oblivious to emotional distractions to a large extent. and i want that capability to be a personality trait.
i want to be a cold person.
maybe im pissed off because the perfect successful person i picture – i am nothing like that person i envision.
well on the bright side i am in control. and change starts now.
everytime there is a new malay drama on suria, i can bet that it is based on one or a combination of the following;
1. poverty-stricken household
2. juvenile delinquency
3. drugs and pre-marital sex
4. extra-marital affairs
Really, Suria, is that the best you can do?
Yeah sure, they want to highlight the problems of the society through media. but EVERY DAMN TIME they produce a new drama?
I get it okay? Now run along and start producing quality entertainment.
